Murphy's Laws
by Seanait
Summary: Atlantis seems to fall perfectly in sync with Murphy's Laws... no surprises there, right?
1. Anything That Can Go Wrong Will

hey everybody! i'm here with a new story... this first chapter came to me in bits and pieces - literally... just took me awhile to put down... I hope you all enjoy it! and hope you enjoy the chapters to come!

Oh, and this is officially classified as a **midnight story.** Although not wild or nutty, it may not be totally coherent! lol... enjoy!

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_Anything that can go wrong, will._ "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" 

Good old Rodney McKay to the rescue. Sheppard knew it was McKay without even looking. Who else would be screaming hysterically as if he had an entire angry village behind him? Oh right, Rodney! He managed to royally piss off the wrong Elders. So now he was running back to the Jumper, full blast, to escape the crazed townspeople who where intent on eating him.

Literally.

These people weren't normally cannibals; they saved that for fools like Rodney that pissed them off. It cut down on the population so the Wraith wouldn't return. Effective, if not gruesome.

See, Sheppard and company had returned to the puddlejumper to retrieve some stuff to trade, leaving Rodney behind and alone with the villagers. They had thought that Rodney would be a good boy and not insult anyone. As it turned out, he didn't really – just a snap remark, but just as soon as they had reached the jumper, Rodney's frantic scream rang out.

As McKay crested the hill separating the jumper from the village, Sheppard, Teyla, and Ronon brought up their weapons and tried to halt the frenzy – or at least protect Rodney…

The good doctor had paint smeared all over him – it was very… sacrificial looking. Rodney did not like it one bit.

Back in the village, the townspeople had hoisted him up onto a stake and burnt kindling at his feet. Rodney had then suddenly gotten a very important insight – he was going to be grilled and eaten! Luckily, when the villagers found him, he had been working with a pocket knife and had secreted it up his jacket sleeve. So he cut the rope binding him to the pole and took off screaming.

Sheppard shook his head as Rodney neared the jumper. 'Go figure,' he thought. 'All we want is some freaking coffee beans and what do we get? A whole herd of angry people! Way to go Rodney!' John knew that the other two were thinking much the same thoughts.

McKay slammed into Sheppard and hid behind him. John looked annoyed at the distraction and the two 'aliens' gave Rodney some very scathing looks. Rodney pulled his handgun in an effort to look strong.

"HA! Now you can't get me!" he shouted at the people.

"Rodney… not now!" John hissed back.

"But… but they tried to kill me!" the scientist whimpered indignantly.

"Too bad they failed." Both Teyla and Ronon smirked while Rodney harrumphed. Their smirks faded as they all realized just how many people Rodney had managed to bring out of town. Many of the people were bearing bows, swords, and spears. Those who didn't have such things had knives, sewing needles, and other sharp paraphernalia that lay around the house.

"Look folks, we're really sorry that McKay here offended you all, but is eating him really going to do anything? I mean look at him; he's got a lot of fat on him – not very good meat if you ask me." Rodney looked all proud at the fact that Sheppard was defending his life.

"Yeah, I'm not good meat, see all this… hey! I'm not that fat!" John tried to keep a smile on his face as he whispered at Rodney.

"Do you want to be eaten?"

"Well… no."

"Then you're as fat as I say you are, got it?" Rodney nodded.

"We were just trying to be friendly," Teyla added. "We just wanted a trade with you good people."

"Then trade. We'll have **him** for anything in our village!" the Head Elder growled fiercely. Sheppard lowered his weapon slightly and looked at Rodney speculatively.

"What? Hey, wait, you can't trade me! I'm a human being! You need me to work Atlantis! I'm the only one who can…" He was interrupted to the delight of many ears.

Sheppard raised his eyebrows. "A tempting offer… but sorry."

John herded the rest of AT-1 into the back of the puddlejumper and scrambled to the front. McKay quickly closed the rear hatch for the villagers weren't that far away. Everyone took a seat and John started up the engines.

The jumper lifted off, but started to sputter. Everyone suddenly looked very worried again.

"What the…? McKay!" Sheppard shouted. Rodney scurried to the crystals and pulled them out.

"I'm on it. Just give me a second…" He slipped a few crystals in and out of their holding places and grinned. "That should do it!"

Yeah… maybe a bit.

Sheppard only had enough control to keep them from crashing nose first into the dirt of the planet. Instead, the craft skipped along the ground like a rock on water. This time it was Ronon that hissed at the scientist.

"McKay…!" Rodney scurried back to the crystals.

"I don't get it! This shouldn't be happening!"

"Yet it is Rodney! Get this jumper flying!" Sheppard yelled at the man. Rodney held on tight as another impact happened. The hull couldn't withstand that sort of pressure that long and everyone knew it.

"Why is nothing working today… first my coffee, then my sandwich, then I'm roasted alive by cannibals, and now this!"

"McKay!" the other three shouted. The named got right to work.

"Aha!" Rodney said two minutes later. "I got it… now go!" McKay could see the villagers coming to swarm outside the ship. They hadn't gone far from the encounter sight and those people could move fast.

Once in space, Sheppard set the jumper on auto to the gate and wheeled around to face Rodney.

"What happened?"

"Before or after I was smoked?" Rodney replied in his usual way.

"McKay…" That tone held warning.

"I might have mentioned something about the Elders being senile…" he mumbled back. What were they going to do with McKay?

Ronon entered their IDC as the jumper got near the stargate and waited for the all clear that said the iris was deactivated. When nothing happened, Ronon alerted Sheppard to the problem.

"Well I guess we'll just have to ask Atlantis," John responded and tapped his earpiece. "Atlantis? This is Sheppard."

"This is Atlantis, come in."

"Is the iris down?"

"No sir… we've been having problems with our electric systems for a couple hours. The iris went up and won't come down," Atlantis responded.

"So that means…?" Ronon asked, wary.

"I'm sorry Jumper 1, but you're going to have to sit tight."

"That's alright. Sheppard out." John was irritated. Rodney had been right; this day had just gone from bad to worse. "Rodney, how long will this take?" he pondered.

"Without me, at least three hours." Everybody stared at Rodney with dislike or disbelief. Rodney, oblivious to this, added, "Better get comfortable. Sandwich anyone?"

* * *

So, how'd ya like it? Good, bad, medium? Does it deserve to live on? Again, sorry if it's not totally coherent in thought process... the other chapters will be totally coherent, I promise!

First off, you gotta tell me how it is!


	2. Friends Come and Go

hello all! i'm soo glad you guys decided to come along for the ride... err descent into madness... did i say that? lol, i mean the ride through the story! i'm happy that you guys have looked beyond the babbling of the beginning and decided that this story was worth your time! yay! glad to have ya aboard!

**Whirlwind-2005** - lol, isnt rodney always nearly eaten by something? thanks for riding this out!  
**nightpheonix** - mmm, midnight madness, you know i love it! many laws are soon to be broken... heh  
**flubber** - god, sometimes i hate those kinds of days... ugh, but yes - this is one of those days where AT-1 is whumped!  
**Rissa of the Sajya-Jin** - oooh... a rodney kebob, that would be hilarious! thank you for your kind review!  
**angw** - yeah, rodney **does** have a tendancy of putting his foot in his mouth... lol, we'll have to break him of that!  
**Freckles-101** - thanks! glad you dont care about my coherent-ness! that makes me happy! continue reading dear reviewer!  
**Reefgirl** - i came across Sod's Law while looking for Murphy's Law... they both bite with equal force, dont they? lol  
**BizzyLizzy** - ooh... much will go wrong Lizzy, MUCH! just you wait and see..!

lol, contary to popular belief i didnt write this after seeing Pirates, although i have seen it... i wrote this between 12 am and 4 am... i was thinking about that then... i just thought it would be funny to see rodney blazing across a hill, covered in paint, followed by part-time cannibals... (_evil giggle_)

Djari: She's lost it... again!  
Shay: Oh shut it muse!  
Djari: (_looks appalled_) See if I write for you again!  
Shay: (_eyes widen_) Wait! I didn't mean it...!

* * *

_Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate._

Sheppard stalked around Atlantis looking for one person – Elizabeth Weir. He needed her… there was some pressing information that she needed to know about.

He had just come from the Juno home world where he had discovered some distressing news. The Juno were a peaceful, but immensely powerful race who had escaped culls for their planets' entire history. They had aided Atlantis by providing the inhabitants a good place to eat and a nice (temporary) Alpha Site. They, in all, were lovely people.

But… ooh, that word was evil… it seemed the Atlantians had brought some sort of flu with them that the Juno hadn't been exposed to before. As with most flues, it mutated fast in a new environment so Beckett couldn't find a totally effective cure for the suffering.

With 50 percentof her people sick, the Head Minister Kalba had, with regret, told Sheppard that his people were no longer welcome. It wasn't them, she had told him, but rather what they carried. Kalba had called herself stupid for letting the Atlantians in without a health check.

So much for friends in high places…

Let's see… the Genii had deserted them (no surprise there), the Brotherhood of Fifteen had denied them of their ZPM and friendship, the people of Athos were few and far between, and the administration of the volcanic Ancient outpost didn't really trust Atlantis either. So yeah, that was three lost or denied friendships that were among at least half a dozen other reject planets.

As for friends… they were doing real good with just the Athosians. Mind you, they were good, hard working people, but they had no real technology and there weren't many of them left. No real help against everyone's public enemy number one: the Wraith.

That was one enemy that was **not** going to be letting up any time soon. They just kept accumulating.

"Elizabeth!" John gasped as he found her. She was sitting in her favorite perch above the ocean.

"John! For what do I owe this visit?" Weir smiled. She was enjoying herself.

"Kelba decided to 'renew our relationship at a later time.' In effect, she just kicked us off her planet," John divulged. Weir frowned.

"Well, I can't say I blame her. We would have done the same you know."

"Yes yes, I know, but at a time so crucial? There's a Wraith ship headed this way and it's expected to pass by in three days! Why now?" Sheppard asked the room more than Weir. She nodded thoughtfully.

"I know, but we're just going to have to deal with it the way we always do I guess," Elizabeth shrugged. They walked away from her pier and head to the Control Room.

"You know what's even worse? The Genii cropped up again. They attacked Lorne's team – just a few of them, but still…" John trailed off. He knew what Weir was thinking about. Two enemies that Atlantis had to face was not a good situation and both had proved capable of destroying and/or taking Atlantis.

"Does it seem like we're running out of friends?" John asked suddenly.

"Yeah… I was thinking the same thing. We need to find more. After this Wraith Hive is by, we need to go look through the database for nice friendly trading partners."

"That hopefully won't betray our trust." John quashed Weir's optimism. She gave him a look that said so. He shrugged. "I'm a military man, I'm supposed to be pessimistic sometimes."

Weir sighed and John looked at her. "What?" he asked.

"Oh nothing, this just reminds me of Murphy's Laws…"

"Umm… anything that can possibly go wrong will go wrong?" John asked, trying to remember the truthful law.

Weir shook her head. "Not that one…"

Sheppard looked surprised. "I didn't know there was more than one, but if all are as true as his most known law then I better start reading them." Elizabeth smiled at him. The two had arrived at Weir's office.

"No I was thinking of the one that states: friends come and go, but enemies accumulate."

John stopped in the hallway for a moment as Weir pressed on into her office. Sheppard shook his head sadly.

"How true…"

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Soooo... yes? no? bad? good? I need to know people! lol, please speak your minds!

(_vaguely wonders if that was a good thing to say..._)


	3. If You Try Pleasing Everyone

wow... i must be an idiot! i've had this chapter written, but at the time i was waiting for reviews and hence forgot about it... imagine my surprise when i went to write a new chapter and it was already written for me! at any rate, i'm very sorry that i've taken such a long time on this one... one of my other stories is taking up a lot of time along with school... bah

**nightpheonix** - yup, just like that, with a gian whamp everything goes wrong! glad you thot the chapt was good!  
**001ElvenWarrior** - ooh, thanks, but i have a grand list of Laws too! but i'll keep that one in mind! thanks!  
**Freckles-101** - yeah, there are a ton of Laws, i didnt know he had more than three until i looked them up  
**scifiprincess** - lol, yup murphy and atlantis will always live 'til the end of the episode! thank you for reviewing!  
**FairyGirlIsRocking** - hmm... yeah murphy is rather evil, arent you glad you dont live in atlantis now?  
**Whirlwind-2005** - yeah, theres a ton of Laws by murphy, glad you enjoyed the chapter!  
**flubber** - lol, yes that last chapter was pretty dark, wasnt it? i'm happy you liked the last chapter! yay  
**Reefgirl** - hehe, arent all of Murphy's Laws so true? thanks for reading and reviewing!  
**stevewraith** - poor poor atlantis, struck by the Murphy's Plague! lol, glad you enjoyed!

yay! i'm glad you guys have decided to stick this one out! i'm very happy! i havent reread this chapter yet, so PLEASE tell me how it is!

Shay: I'm glad you decided to come back Djari!  
Djari: _(grumble)_  
Shay: Oh come on... it'll be fun!  
Djari: No more threatening me or I leave forever! Got it?  
Shay: _(whimpers) _Got it...

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_If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it._

Atlantis had problem… well what else was new? This was a very serious problem though and one that was expected to get much bigger.

Two scientists haunted the corridors of Atlantis looking for important people like Colonel Sheppard or Elizabeth Weir… people that could do something. As they stalked by the infirmary the resident doctor yelled a "hello" and suddenly he was recruited to haunting the halls with the scientists.

"Elizabeth!" the two scientists shouted. They promptly glared at each other afterward. The named tilted her head and gave the three people a curious look.

"Rodney, Radek… Carson, hello. What can I do for you?" she asked. Zelenka looked at Rodney.

"Vell… you could find Colonel Sheppard for us…"

Weir looked at them again oddly. "And just what would you need Colonel Sheppard for?" She looked at Beckett and he shrugged.

"I just came along for the ride…" Beckett explained. "I have no idea wha' they're up to." Elizabeth nodded in understanding and turned her attention back to the two scientists.

"It's about the Wraith… Bob. We need to discuss what needs to be done with him," Rodney said quickly. Zelenka nodded his agreement.

"He endangers all of Atlantis Elizabeth," Radek added for emphasis. "He may also hinder your research doctor," Zelenka quickly added to Beckett. **Now **he understood why he was here. Stupid Wraith… who needed them anyway?

"Okay, I'll meet you three in the Briefing Room with Colonel Sheppard in five minutes. John is down with the Wraith right now," Weir said to the three men standing before her. She tapped on her earpiece. "John? I need you to come up to the Control Room. Rodney and Zelenka have something to discuss with you."

An answer came rattling back. "Yeah… tell Rodney and Zelenka that I'll be there in a minute. Sheppard out."

Elizabeth grinned. "He'll be here in a minute." With that, all four of them shuffled over to the briefing room.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

When Sheppard joined them, Rodney started his problem with Radek by his side to add emphasis and notes where Rodney had missed them.

"Okay, the Wraith… Bob…" On the side, John nodded with a smile. "He's sending off a transmission to other Hives. He's calling them here."

"Instant feast for them and a new feeding ground," Zelenka added. Rodney turned to him with a grimace on his face.

"Well thanks Mr. Pessimist… we really needed to relive that?" Zelenka simply shrugged. McKay sighed and rambled on. "So the choice is we kill him now or we let him live out his days in the basement."

"I say kill him now. He's a threat to Atlantis and I can't allow that," Sheppard said instantly. Rodney nodded, waiting for more input.

"No!" Beckett objected. "I need ta study 'im. He's meh research for tha anti-Wraith drug. We need 'im." Sheppard gave him a stern look.

"Carson?" he asked slowly with a hint of disbelief in his voice. "He's a threat."

"I know major, but we're not gonna tah wipe out tha rest of tha Wraith without this drug," Beckett explained, his accent getting a little thicker. McKay rolled his eyes and turned to Weir, looking for her opinion.

"Is it right to drag out his inevitable death? No, I think we should kill him now instead of starving him," Elizabeth said with conviction. Zelenka coughed slightly and all eyes turned to him.

"Actually, we need him for study as well…" Rodney nodded.

"Yes, um, we need to determine **how** he's broadcasting and if we can use the same frequency and jam them," McKay explained, waving his hands around. Zelenka nodded emphatically.

"No!" Sheppard said again. "He's a threat now! Bob needs to die. We haven't gotten any information out of him yet and we probably won't." He looked at the doctors. "As for you three, study Bob when he's dead."

"But-!"

"Tha's not…"

"Hold on!" Rodney interrupted the clamor. "You're acting like killing him is gonna solve everything. It's not. He can still broadcast when he's dead you know. It's not keyed to his life, rather the opposite actually. When he dies, he wants his fellows to come and find him. So when he dies…"

"I'm the military advisor here!" John cut off a potential McKay rant. Rodney looked kind of put out that he didn't get to explain his intellect. "When there's a threat, it's my job to determine if and how we need to stop it and if stopping the destruction of Atlantis is the cost of one Wraith, I'll do it."

"Hold on John… Rodney, Zelenka… is there any solution to this problem?" Weir said, reason stepping in. The two scientists thought.

"Well… we could tranquilize him, take the beacon, and let Bob die slowly…" Zelenka proposed. Sheppard seemed alright with the idea…

"No, that would never work. We don't have a tranq that big…" McKay said.

"I could work something up…" Beckett offered. Rodney shook his head.

"No, we'd need stuff that could knock out a herd of elephants for days. The natural Wraith healing process would detect the foreign substance and almost immediately start to get rid of it," McKay explained at top speed.

John tilted his head in question. "'Almost?'"

"Yeah, a window of about a minute would be the time we'd have to find the beacon," Rodney snapped back. This time Weir shook her head.

"No… that's too dangerous. That Wraith could wake any moment you were down there and feed. I'm sorry." Rodney was getting frustrated, today was **not **his best day.

"It seems like no matter what I say, I can't please anyone!" McKay spouted unhappily. Everyone stopped to look at McKay acting like a child who didn't get his lollypop after a shot.

"That's okay Rodney, it's a tough decision. How about we all sleep on it?" Weir compromised.

"Fine, but if those ships come any closer I'll kill Bob myself. Right?" Sheppard asked Weir. She nodded in response. Instantly John lightened up and slapped the table. "Shall we sleep?"

They walked slowly out of the room. Carson trot back to his infirmary while McKay, Zelenka, and Sheppard wandered to their quarters. Rodney was muttering the entire time about how unfair this was and about how his work never got appreciated when suddenly an idea came to him.

"I got it."

His two companions stopped and looked at him oddly. Rodney gave off an annoyed sigh. "The solution to the Wraith problem…" Sheppard and Zelenka now understood McKay – as unusual as it was…

"I say we sacrifice Kavanaugh to Bob in exchange for the beacon." McKay had a big goofy grin on his face and the two laughed at the idea.

"A great idea Rodney. Let's go grab Kavanaugh…" John grinned evilly.

And off they went.


	4. You Will Always Find Something

HI AGAIN! Sorry that took so long, but the muse was running out of gas... yeah... umm, but I decided that because its Thanksgiving that you should get an new chapter! yay!

**nightpheonix** - oh yes, kav/bob is almighty!!! we shall see more soon! yeah, plays... psht  
**Freckles-101** - hmmm... i think we should throw Kavanaugh to Bob... after all, where did Kavanaugh go?  
**McKayLover** - lol, glad you liked the chapter!! there is more! mahahaha!!!  
**Reefgirl** - hehe!!! i wonder that sometimes too! they should have at least threatened Kav with a feeding!  
**flubber** - lol, glad you thought kav to bob was great!!! sorry for the wait..  
**nwfairy** - why should they ask? she hates kav as much as anyone! lol, thanks for the review!

anyway, i really have nothing more to say than **Happy Thanksgiving** and thanks to my loving reviewers!!!

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_You will always find something in the last place you look._

Ronon searched frantically around his quarters. Why couldn't he find it!? It was driving him mad. He had searched everywhere for the stupid thing and now he was late for the mission to M9C-945. Ronon knew Sheppard would come looking for him.

_knock knock_ There he was… Ronon went to open the door to his quarters and was met by a worried looking Colonel Sheppard. Ronon gruffly motioned for the man to come in – he was fully dressed for the mission.

"Ronon? What's wrong?" he asked with some confusion. Sheppard glanced around the quarters and noticed it looked like a tornado had ripped through it. Or an angry Ronon…

"I can't find my gun!" Ronon answered through gritted teeth. John nodded with sympathetic understanding. "And don't you say anything about the armory!" Sheppard smiled at that.

When Ronon had first arrived, Sheppard had told him to keep his weapon in Atlantis' armory for safe keeping. Ronon had insisted that he keep it in his room – in case he needed it right away. Knowing the man's capability for hurting things, Sheppard had let him keep it and now it was lost.

John unclipped his P-90 and stood up. "Okay, let's find it! You know those recon missions… they can be awfully dangerous."

"Agreed."

The two men wearily set about their task to find Ronon's prized weapon – his plasma gun. They searched the bed, the bed sheets, the floor (what you could see of it), Ronon's closet, and even the bathroom! But no such luck; the gun remained missing.

Sheppard thunked onto Ronon's bed and sighed heavily. Looking up at the man with one eye, Sheppard said "Ronon, I swear… that gun of yours must have picked up some of your hiding skills because we can't find it anywhere!"

Ronon smiled briefly – there had been a compliment in there somewhere. He plopped down next to his friend.

"No kidding. We looked on the floor, my bathroom, the closet… the coat hangers. Where could it be?" With this question, he punched the bed.

"Ronon, take it easy. Where was the last time you saw it?" John asked. Ronon thought and thought hard.

"Well, I was coming back from that mission we went on two days ago… I walked through the Stargate and a Marine insisted that he take my weapon. I said no and walked away to…" He paused. "I can't remember, but I did need one of your weapons for the shooting range."

Sheppard nodded slowly. "Okaaay… so let's retrace our steps, shall we? We'll start in the gate room and end back here." John reattached his P-90 and off they went.

In the gate room, Sheppard asked Ronon where he had gone from there and Ronon began retracing his steps. Weir peered down at them from her office balcony with interest. She smiled and went on her way.

First, Ronon had gone to the infirmary because Beckett had wanted to see him and Ronon wanted to check up on a friend of his who was trying to stay sane in the infirmary. Both Sheppard and Ronon wished the man good luck on that.

From there, Ronon had gone to the gym to spar with Teyla. There was no sign of his gun in either places. Next came the mess and nobody could remember seeing Ronon with his gun on or where he might have placed it. Ronon was extremely frustrated at this point and he stomped off to the armory. John had bet that Ronon had left it there, but he was wrong. The Marine guarding the armory remembered Ronon coming to sign out a P-90 and an M-16, but he wasn't sure if Ronon had had his weapon on him.

Growling a quick thanks, Sheppard followed an upset Ronon back to his room. They both walked in and Ronon punched a nice round hole in the wall. It was one of many holes in the wall…

"Did that feel good?" Sheppard asked sarcastically.

"Yes." Ronon growled back. John nodded.

"That's good. What the hell am I sitting on?" he asked suddenly. He sat down on the upturned bed again and something was sticking hard into his butt. With a grunt, Sheppard pulled out whatever he was sitting on.

Surprise, surprise… there was Ronon's gun. Go figure.

Ronon had gone slack-jawed. He had upturned **everything** in his room and his gun had been located under Sheppard's ass. He snatched it away quickly and looked it over. Sheppard was gently laughing.

"It's like my father also said; lost things are **always** in the last place you look or they're right under your nose. I guess he was right."

"I guess so…" Ronon said softly.

"See you in an hour for the recon mission." Chuckling to himself, Sheppard set off towards the gate room and he wondered if Ronon's gun would escape again before the hour was up.

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loved it? hated it? me needs to know!!! review!!!! 


	5. Anything Good In Life

hello hello hello!!!! sorry i have been "away" for soooo long! Hitchhiker's Guide to the Pegasus Galaxy took up some time and then my friend (nightpheonix) and I are working on our Atlantis Musical (third season!!!)... yeah... i hope you havent forgotten too much... not that this is a continuing novel-story or anything... okay, i'll shut up now and let you read! Enjoy!

**Freckles-101** - lol, glad you liked it so much and i shall write more!!! hope you enjoy it!  
**Lisa** - yeah, everything is in the last place you look... only parents can find it! thanks for reviewing!!!  
**EVS** - i'm glad you liked it! lol, the amused "lol" gave me the hint! hehe  
**Ditzyleo** - love your name, btw, and thank you! i'm glad you like the story so much!!!  
**Reefgirl** - hehe, Atlantis does seem to fall in line for many of Murphy's Laws, eh? thanks!  
**Quacked Lurker** - thanks for the review, but what did you mean by "kid friendly"? i never slash.. anyway, i'm glad you enjoyed the story so far!

thank you all for your reviews!!! i hope you continue to like the story through all its ups and downs with Atlantis... i guess this could be considered a whump story... heh, maybe it should start acting that way! LOL!

and here's chapter 5!

* * *

_Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening._

Today was turning out to be a terrible day… well, a non-interesting day, but the day wasn't over yet and this was Atlantis. Sheppard rounded the corner into the mess and sat down at one tables in a huff. Then his stomach rumbled. He was hungry, but it was the holidays on Atlantis and he had received so much junk food, John was starting to feel guilty. The cafeteria was serving mostly desserts at this hour.

Trying really hard, John got up and snagged a piece of green and red cake and dug into it. One side of the room was advertising fried Oreos. The idea (and the smell) was really good, but Sheppard could literally feel his arteries start to close up just thinking about it.

That was when McKay and Zelenka stormed in. They saw Sheppard sitting alone and made a beeline for him. Actually, McKay grabbed Zelenka's shirt first and made a detour towards the Oreos **then** made a beeline for him.

Sheppard rolled his eyes.

"Colonel," Zelenka greeted amicably enough, but John could see there was a tempest blowing beneath Zelenka's calm visage. McKay, on the hand, seemed to have forgotten about the problem and had devoted his entire attention to the fried Oreos. John found himself drawn to the smell of the fattening things, but he couldn't help but poke fun at Rodney.

"Jeez… everyone hounds on Americans for being fat, but no one watches our Canadian neighbors," he mentioned sarcastically. Rodney scowled at him.

"Ha ha, very funny colonel. God, these things are good!"

Zelenka looked at McKay with disgust. "Rodney, you're going to kill yourself with those things. They're so fattening."

"Mmm… I know, I can feel my arteries clogging up." With that statement, Rodney finished the three fried Oreos and dumped the tray.

"Uh huh…" John started. "So… Rodney, Radek… what do I have the honor of speaking to you about?"

"Kavanaugh," the two of them growled. Aha, there was the tempest breaking through on both the scientists' faces. Kavanaugh must have really screwed up to piss off the both of them so much that they should seek him out.

"Ah yes, how's that slime bag doing?" Sheppard asked calmly. He was just waiting for the answer… with considerable dread.

"That particular slime bag just blew up our lab," Zelenka said with furious, yet quiet, anger. The two of them were clenching their laptops.

"Slime bag isn't what all he is! That little piece of crap blew up ALL of our instruments and equipment – very **expensive** equipment!! All we have left is what's on the laptops! That shitfaced bastard... that -," Rodney spouted furiously. He had a temper and couldn't keep it suppressed like Zelenka. Sheppard cut Rodney off in the middle of a potential rant.

"Now McKay, it won't help to get you all worked up," Sheppard answered calmly, but instead he was ready to beat Kavanaugh to a pulp, slowly dissect him and chuck him off the highest balcony in Atlantis.

"I'M ALREADY WORKED UP!" Rodney shouted. When he noticed that everyone was staring at him, Rodney blushed deeply. Sheppard looked around.

"Let's go to a less public area, shall we?" The three of them got up and head off to a secluded area of the city. When they arrived, Sheppard started the conversation again.

"So, what do we want to do about him? I personally wanted to throw him to Davy Jones' locker ages ago."

Zelenka and McKay looked at each other conspiratorially. "What will you allow us to do to him? McKay asked quietly, but hopefully.

"Just about anything at this point." The two scientists looked very interested.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Got iron shackles anywhere?"

"Yeah, in my back pocket," McKay retorted sarcastically to Zelenka. The Czech proved to have a **very** violent mind when it came to people that pissed him off.

"What's left on P2A-289?" Sheppard asked curiously. McKay thought about it.

"Well, it **is** still a Wraith stronghold, so no humans. Not much food I bet because of the Wraith wars," the Canadian answered happily.

"I'm sure there'd be an argument over him…," Zelenka said thoughtfully.

"It'd be the first time Kavanaugh got what he wanted… someone fussing over him," Sheppard agreed.

"And the last!" the two scientists crowed with glee. Sheppard was enjoying himself immensely.

"Oh I don't care if this is totally illegal, that's a great idea Sheppard!" McKay approved. "Where's Elizabeth?"

"Oh, she's in bed by this hour. Zelenka, Rodney, can you open the gate without alerting the entire base?" Sheppard asked.

The scientists looked at him incredulously. "For this, of course," Zelenka answered smugly.

"The let's go find Kavanaugh!"

The three headed down to the destroyed science lab and found Kavanaugh still defending the idea that had blown up everything. He was doing it very haughtily too. Sheppard interrupted the rant by grabbing the man's shirt and dragging him away.

They duct taped his mouth and physically dragged him down to the Gate Room. Almost into the room, Kavanaugh kicked over a metal flower vase and it clattered noisily down the hallway. The three stopped nervously. They really hoped that Elizabeth hadn't waken up.

The all clear was given and they moved into the gate room. That was where a sleepy base commander found them. Kavanaugh had never been so happy to see Weir. She looked at the arrangement with puzzlement and amusement.

"John, Rodney, Radek… what are you doing with Kavanaugh?" she asked. Kavanaugh tried to spew out some falsehood, but the tape made it muted and mumbled. "I wasn't asking **you**," she shot at Kavanaugh.

The three conspirators tried to look completely innocent. "Um, we were going to send him off to P2A-289," John explained shyly.

"Mrht!?" Kavanaugh cried as his eyes got wide. Weir tried to hide a grin and be stern with them.

"Gentlemen, you all know that that is highly illegal and immoral!" she admonished. "I can't believe you would even think of such a thing!" That, of course, was a load of BS. **She** had considered sending Kavanaugh to places much worse. P2A-289 was heaven compared to some of Weir's thoughts on the matter.

"He blew up the entire lab Lizbeth!" Rodney cried in distress. Weir cocked an eyebrow.

"Really now? Take off the tape… I need to hear this from him," she instructed. Sheppard, not kindly, ripped off the tape. Kavanaugh started spewing his mouth everywhere.

"Doctor, are you going to stand for this? They **kidnapped** me and were going to take justice into their own hands!"

"I don't care."

"How **dare** you say that, you incompetent female! I demand you have them thrown into the brig IMMEDIATELY!"

Weir was fuming after the "female" comment, but she kept her cool and for that, the three men respected her greatly.

"Why don't you wake up the entire base Doctor Kavanaugh? That way we can all see just how close you were to being killed by an accidental gate malfunction. The gate opened and you were trapped inside the discharge," Weir said icily. Kavanaugh's eyes got even wider.

"Was that a threat Weir?" he asked, his bravado failing.

She shrugged. "Think of it as you will, but go and cower in your shame." Kavanaugh **ran** out of there. Weir smiled evilly and turned to the scientists and colonel.

"That was interesting you three, but you should have asked me about it first."

"Um, why?" Sheppard hazarded a question. He had a feeling that Weir was really violent when came to thinking up torture.

"For one, anything good in life is either illegal or immoral… or fattening, and two; I have a much better way of dealing with him… and its completely legal." With that, Weir went back to bed, leaving the three men to think and remember that they should never get on her bad side.

* * *

sooooo. love it? hate it? anything in between!? lol, i need your feedback! thanks! 


	6. A Shortcut is the Longest Distance

Hi everyone!!! I'm ridiculously sorry that this update has taken soooo long... actually i feel a bit of a fool right now... I opened up the file to this story to see what was the last thing i had done and to get working on another chapter when I see a chapter that's done, but not put up. i am such an idiot. it's a short chapter, but a good one (i hope) and another will soon follow (i hope). sorry again...

**Freckles-101** - whirlwind is your sister??? oh. i didn't know that! thanks for the praise!!! ...which one of you found me first? just curious...  
**AlbinoMonkeyC** - Lizzy is up to a lot... isnt she always? lol, thanks a lot for reviewing and welcome to the crazyness!  
**Whirlwind-2005** - you're freckles' sister??? sweet... i'm so glad that you (both) loved the last chapter!!! thanks a bunch!  
**Ditzyleo** - Murphy has a shitload of laws.. i'm glad you enjoyed the story so far!!! Murphy must have been a very accident-prone guy...  
**Delka** - lol, i'm very happy you enjoyed the last chapter, even if you didn't use as many words to say it! hehe, thanks!  
**Quacked Lurker** - its you again, the Lurker. hehe, thanks, I'm glad you dont mind my absenses... much... this one was a bit extreme tho...  
**001ElvenWarrior** - wow, you must have read my mind... "a shortcut is the longest distance between 2 points" is good for john, in fact, read below for more!!!  
**nwfairy** - weir is going to whump kavanaugh, but not this chapter... so infer your own ending... that's fun! and thanks for the review!!!

you guys are great! i'm (again) sorry that this has taken so long! i've been kinda busy with trying to apply to colleges and stuff associated with that - as some of you may know, this process doesn't allow for a lot of free time between that, writing essays, and trying to do well in school... bah... anyway, here we go!!!

_

* * *

A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. _

"Colonel, where are we?"

"…"  
"Colonel…?"

"Yeah, I'm listening."

"Good, would you mind telling us exactly where we are?"

John stopped and glanced around at the dense jungle vegetation. It all looked the same to him, but he was sure they were going in the direction of the gate. After all, compasses don't lie… right?

"He's lost… completely and utterly lost."

"Shut up McKay, do you have any better ideas?" Sheppard snarled back. The vines were now hanging down over the thin trail. John had to chop away at them with his machete. More filled their compatriot's place. The jungle was becoming denser and denser with every step they took… it was growing darker too and that wasn't because night was falling.

"Actually, I do."

"Let's hear it then!" Sheppard was trying to stay focused on the path the natives had set him on.

"We go back and go the **normal** way back to the gate," McKay said smugly. Sheppard whipped around and glared at the scientist. McKay threw up his hands. "Hey, I was the one that told you **not** to trust the villagers, but noooo, you just had to try and use their little 'shortcut' didn't you?"

Teyla and Ronon glanced at each other and rolled their eyes at the bickering men. They'd been going at it for the past hour.

"How about we follow Colonel Sheppard's lead for another hour or so and then we turn back and try it Rodney's way," Teyla desperately tried to compromise.

"Deal," the two men intoned together, muttering.

"C'mon, it should be right around here somewhere…"

Two hours later, Sheppard was completely lost and everyone knew it, including him. He finally admitted defeat, grudgingly. God (and the Pegasus Galaxy) only knows that Sheppard's defeat meant a drastic increase in McKay's ego output.

"Ha! I told you it was a lost cause!"

Sheppard mumbled a few choice words at Rodney.

McKay cupped his ear. "What was that colonel?"

"Nothing…" Sheppard grumbled. "Lead on."

With chin high in the air, McKay triumphantly led the team out the jungle and back into the world of light and pine trees. The villagers ran out of their houses to greet them once more, chatting incoherently and laughing at them.

"See, I told you we shouldn't have trusted them. They're laughing at us!"

"Shut up McKay."

"Hey, one of them tried to steal my laptop!"

"That was only after you stole his candy bar," Ronon said with a smirk.

"Yeah so? I was hungry!" McKay argued in a whiny voice.

"Yeah, and he wanted your computer. Fair is fair, McKay," Sheppard intoned.

"Yeah, and lost is lost. Now let's go the **right** way."

* * *

short but sweet, right? hope you enjoyed it! PLEASE review!!!! the more reviews there are, the more reminders there are for me! thanks a bunch!!! 


	7. If Everything Works

hello all! i told you i've have another chapter up soon!!!! hehehe! hope you all had a great Halloween! i know i did! (i got 7.5 lbs of candy!) i don't actually know what i'm gonna do with it all! and yeah, some of you might think i'm too old for trick-or-treating, but heck, it's free candy:)

**Freckles-101** - lol, yeah i saw 403... very funny! and thanks for adding me to your fave writer's list... glad to know i "made the standard" lol, thanks!  
**SpaceMonkey0941** - aha! a demanding reviewer! heh, i have and will try to continue updating as fast as i can SIR! lol, thanks for the review!!!  
**sparklyshimmer2010** - hey, glad to see you too! as for the Musicals... PLEASE bother nightpheonix, she's doing Act 3 and she's lagging! i have Act 4 done and waiting  
**janib** - murphy's laws and numerous and very funny! i can send you a list of them... i'm glad you like the story so far! thanks a bunch!  
**Ditzyleo** - murphy must have been smart enough to make laws for life... lol, i'll give him that. glad you enjoyed the chapter!!!

yay! loyal reviewers!!! (_hugs all_)

Djari: Bah.  
Shay: Hey, where've you been?  
Djari: Nice to see you too...  
Shay: ...  
Djari: I've been "traveling."  
Shay: Great... my muse takes "vacations" without telling me... awesome.  
Djari: (_shrugs_)

Now, on to the story!!!

_

* * *

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something._

"Okay, we are ready for test flight one. We're ready to launch."

"McKay?"

"Yep?"

"How far are we actually going?" Sheppard asked warily. The two men were standing in the Control Room, waiting for Weir to give the final order.

"This round we're just going to see if the engines on this boat actually still work."

"So McKay, how far are we going?" Sheppard asked again. McKay had a knack for scooting around the question.

"The city is going for a short hover above the water and then we're going to set back down," McKay responded happily. He and Zelenka had been trying to get the naquada generators and the ZPM to work in sync for months. Four destroyed generators later, the two scientists had managed to link the naquada generators into the Atlantean system. Now, essentially, Atlantis had two working ZPMs… if all went well.

"So… I should be…?" Sheppard goaded.

"… in the Chair Room as we speak. So go, go, go," McKay shooed. Sheppard rolled his eyes at McKay and walked off.

"Ah, Elizabeth, there you are!" McKay hailed as she walked out of her office.

"Are we ready Rodney?"

"Yup! All we have to do is align the systems, set the ZPM in its slot, enhance the capacities of the…" Weir silenced him with a 'Rod-neey' stare. "Yeah, we're ready."

"Good. Put me on comm." Once again, Weir went city-wide. "Everybody, we're ready to get underway with a tremendous experiment. We're going to hover above the ocean for only a few moments and then settle back down. If all goes well, we'll try for a longer flight. Could everyone get to a safe zone now and… hang on."

McKay was typing furiously at the controls to get the last couple adjustments done. Zelenka was standing by in the ZPM room, watching the energy output.

"Zelenka, you ready?" McKay demanded.

"Yes, everything is fine here."

"Sheppard?"

"Just get on with it McKay," he responded dryly.

"Okay Elizabeth, everything's ready for liftoff," Rodney reported.

"So, let's do this."

Down in the Chair Room, John started to power up the engines, using all of his concentration to do so. The stardrive engines hadn't fired for a good two years and another 10,000 years before that.

In the Control Room, McKay poured over his data attentively. A large rumble shook the city.

"Rodney?" Weir asked alarmed.

"I don't know. Sheppard?!"

"It was nothing McKay, just get back to work. We're almost hovering above the surface. Hang on."

"Energy output's good, ZPM levels holding steady… I'd say we're good!" McKay reported, looking very satisfied. With one more jerk, the city of Atlantis was floating three inched off the surface of the ocean.

"We're doing it! The stardrive is working!" McKay called loudly. Everyone in the control room cheered.

Suddenly, a little voice buzzed in McKay's earpiece. "McKay…!" Sheppard's voice sounded strained.

"What?" he snapped back and flew back to his computer. The screen was issuing warning across the board. Fail safes were flickering on and off, the energy levels were spiking between the naquada generators and the ZPM, and the city was listing slightly to the left. Atlantis was rejecting the naquada system.

"John, put Atlantis back down… as gently as you can!" Weir ordered. As the city splashed down into the ocean, consoles fizzed and exploded. After a good minute of dashing for cover, everything was finally still.

"I do believe 'GENTLY' is what she said colonel!" Rodney yelled, obviously frightened and ticked that this hadn't worked.

"**That** was as soft as you were going to get McKay," Sheppard growled back. "I'm coming up there. Sheppard out."

"What happened?" Weir asked breathlessly.

"I don't know yet." McKay snarled. "Give us a couple hours to find out."

Later that afternoon, McKay, Zelenka, and Sheppard walked into Weir's office. The two scientists looked a bit sheepish and annoyed. Sheppard just looked annoyed.

"So, what happened this morning?" Weir asked.

"Well, we needed to turn off some of the failsafes in order for the launch to work," Zelenka started.

"The failsafes were deactivated for the purpose of including the naquada generators into the system. If they hadn't been deactivated, we wouldn't have ever been able to try to fly this thing."

"In one of the sub-routine commands was hidden a tiny little bug," Zelenka started again.

"A good bug," McKay interrupted.

"A good bug, yes, but the point is that-"

"The point is that when we deactivated some of the failsafes, we deactivated the bug that keeps the system and the stardrive running smoothly and in sync," McKay finished.

"So can we do it again?" Sheppard asked.

"Ah… no," Rodney answered.

"Why not?" Weir asked.

"Well the conduits are flooded with these little 'backup bugs' so to speak. These bugs are the backups to the backups and without them well…"

"So no," Sheppard cut in.

"Exactly… not without knowing more about the system and the bugs," Zelenka said.

"Thank you men, dismissed," Weir finished. As Sheppard walked out, he heard Weir mumble a quick sentence of wisdom. "If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."

Sheppard grinned and went on his merry way.

* * *

well??? you like? i hope so... well, please tell me!

oh and sparklyshimmer? i really meant what i said about contacting nightpheonix about the Musical... i've been bugging her for weeks and nothing... i have Act 4 done and Act 3 is half done... she needs to finish it otherwise i'm gonna die!!!! please PM her or something... it would be much appreciated!

the rest of you, please review! thanks!!! see you all next time!


	8. Mother Nature

hi y'all! wassup? it hasn't been that long since the last chapter! YAY! aren't you all excited? i know I am because I have a three day weekend!!!!! woot! i might actually get something done! heh, imagine that...

oh and Happy November! It's getting to be winter, the local mountain is making snow, and I might be able to go skiing before the month is out! And there's a new chapter! hehe

**janib** - i don't know if its hard to fly Atlantis, but i figured since there was a problem it might be... thanks for your review, glad you liked it!!  
**SpaceMonkey0941** - what place would that be:) lol, i'm happy you enjoyed the chapter! there's another coming to a webpage near you! lol  
**Ditzyleo** - i hope so too... she can be very irrepsonible, that and i leave you guys out in the cold... sorry... thanks for the review!

yay, thanks guys! i love reviews! they make me happy and then they remind me if i haven't updated in a long while... hehe. i think its high time for an iFeast! come join us and feast!!! it'll be awesome! its all you can eat, all you can think of! oh, there should be a warning, there are two strong swear words! that's all!

and now, chapter 8!!!

_

* * *

Mother Nature's a bitch._

"So…"

"Hey."

"I couldn't sleep, you?"

"Hungry." Sheppard shot McKay a knowing look. "Okay, I couldn't sleep."

The two men sat in the cafeteria – it was 2:00 am. Luckily, the café was open all night for nights for like this.

"Why couldn't you sleep?" McKay asked Sheppard. Generally John was a sound sleeper.

"You know how I'm in one of the spires?" McKay nodded. "Well, the wind's blowing like crazy tonight and it was shaking my room."

"Very scary," McKay agreed. Sheppard shrugged.

"How about you?" Sheppard asked back. McKay usually had very odd reasons for being up.

"Um, nightmares. Oh look, here come Ronon and Teyla!" McKay pointed out quickly.

"McKay, you're changing- oh, hi guys," Sheppard amended quickly as Teyla and Ronon sat down with them.

"Mind if we join?" Ronon asked.

"Not at all," John said. "So, what brings you here this late at night?"

"The weather," the two Pegasus natives said together.

"This new planet has very strange weather," Teyla noticed. "Just the other day when it was raining, the droplets actually appeared blue and not clear."

Rodney started tapping his finger and was about to launch off into a possible, and very scientific, reason why that might happen when Sheppard cut him off.

"Cool, blue rain. When I was flying over the mainland, I noticed a tornado smack in the middle of a field. The only thing was that only the middle of the field was affected."

"Well of course, only the path of the tornado…" Sheppard again cut off McKay.

"No McKay, **nothing** else was affected. There were no clouds but the one the tornado came from. It was sunny and clear and poof! There was a tornado!"

McKay only uttered a small "Oh…" There was an awkward pause between the team.

"I hope there aren't any massive storms on a year to year cycle," McKay said quietly. Everyone seemed thoughtful and a bit shocked that they hadn't thought of this before. After all, the Ancients had only catalogued **their** planet, not this one.

"Or psychic whales…" Sheppard added.

"Or giant rogue tidal waves," Teyla put in. Everyone nodded thoughtfully.

"Yeah, that would be bad… again," Ronon said.

"Random bursts of EM energy would suck…" McKay said more to himself than anyone else.

"Is that possible?" Sheppard asked, slightly alarmed.

Rodney nodded. "Yeah… depending on what the planet is composed of or it could even come from an unstable sun."

"Unstable sun?" Ronon asked incredulously.

"Well, back on Earth, our sun has solar flares like any good star. Periodically, we get a strong solar flare in Earth's direction and it gives off enough radiation to disrupt radio waves and certain technology for a very brief amount of time," Rodney explained.

"So if this sun had many solar flares towards us…?" Teyla prodded gently.

"It would suck… Atlantis is basically runs on technology… Oh god, we're in a new solar system. There could be rogue asteroids, comets, black holes, planetoids, dark pulsars that give off radiation… we've stepped into a mine field!" McKay exclaimed, getting hysterical.

The hypochondria was kicking in.

"Take it easy McKay. We could be incinerated from orbit instantaneously by the wraith, the Replicators, or numerous other species and you're worried about a chance happening?" Sheppard soothed.

"It's a lot more imminent than you'd expect Sheppard. Besides, who would have thought that hurricanes come in cycles? It was also a chance happening! Who attacks on Sundays? No one did until Pearl Harbor did. That was also a **chance** happening!" McKay explained loudly.

"Okay Rodney, we get your point. But these things don't happen all the time, right? And when it happens, we'll worry about it then," Teyla said. McKay got up and started pacing.

"You're right…" He reached for a Styrofoam cup, but Sheppard intercepted him.

"No. No more coffee for you," he scolded.

"But I won't be able to stay awake!" Rodney whined.

"Exactly," all three of them said. Getting their point, McKay glared at his team and stomped off. Sheppard retook his seat and sighed.

"I didn't know nature would get McKay so upset," Ronon said with mild wonder.

"It's understandable… we have been through a lot of 'natural' problems and McKay being well… McKay… you know…" Sheppard finished lamely.

"I guess… I suppose nature could lay off a bit… at least until McKay gets his nerves back," Ronon said. Sheppard got up and smiled.

"Well, you know what they say: Mother Nature's a bitch." With those words of wisdom, Sheppard walked off, leaving Teyla and Ronon in mild confusion.

* * *

well? how was it? good, bad, okay? please do tell!!! oh and Act 3 is up for Stargate Atlantis: Season 3, The Musical Musical by nightfynix! it's very funny!!! 

well, see ya next time!!!


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